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I never was good at writing down how I feel. The words never come out in order. The sentences get mixed up and somehow it never feels right.

I want to tell you everything.
But I’ve never been good at getting what I’m trying to say
Just right and not
bitchy, rude, apologetic, annoying, weird, crazy.
And please god, never let me seem upset.
Even though I am upset.

Your smile is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Sometimes, when you’re very happy
You smile so big and I swear
That smile could make anyone happy.
That smile is safe to me.
That smile could never hurt me.
That smile could never twist into something ugly.
But it did.
That beautiful smile faded away.
And now the memory of it burns

I couldn’t tell anyone the color of your eyes. Because I’m constantly lost in them.
All I know is they hold more light than the sun.
Your eyes glow and love.
Your eyes are warm.
Your eyes are happy and couldn’t hurt any single thing.
Except me.
Your eyes look cold and tired.
And I cannot quite remember what they looked like before the light faded away.

Your arms are not like mine.
Which is great.
My arms are littered with scars.
Your arms are still smooth and
perfect.
Your arms used to hold me.
Your arms once made me feel more at home than my own house ever did.
Your arms broke down my walls as if they were never there.
Now, your arms don’t hold me.
They are not supposed to, but
I want them.

Your lips. I crave them.
I miss them.
I cannot kiss them anymore.
But I still think they are softer than clouds.
Your lips are more addictive than self destruction.
And hurt more now than any blade ever did.
Your lips spoke all those sweet words to me.
Your lips move like silk.
Your lips taste like coffee,
late nights, happiness, passion.
At least,
They used to.
They are the same in most ways
Except now,
I do not know what your lips taste like anymore. And
They do not speak sweet words to me, unless it is to assure me
“I still care for you”

Do not lie to me anymore.
I miss you.
I care about you.
I want you.
I text you.
I leave you alone,

except when I’ve taken too many painkillers and chased them down with alcohol.
It burns like your memory and
leaves me feeling twice as bad.

You do not miss me,
You would fix it if you did.
You do not care anymore,
Unless I’ve said something containing
“Pills
Blades
Suicide
Hurt”
You do not want me,
Otherwise I would be yours, again.
You do not text me,
You haven’t since I told you I gave up,
No hope, broken down, crying.
You leave me alone,
Except I do not want it,
There is miles of difference between
Being alone and feeling loneliness

I used to feel safe with you,
But now I feel you might cut me open
If I speak to you.
You could never speak to me again,
If I try to be honest with you.
You could never even look toward me,
If I told you I miss you.
You’re the most dangerous thing I’ve ever seen.

"

— 12:11am (via breathingispainful)

(via xaltax)

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